three-sixty-five.

“Honey, I’m deploying for a year.”

One of the many dreaded sentences every military wife hopes she never has to hear. Tdub came home one evening from work in late April and said those words. My heart dropped, or stopped I’m not sure which. At first I thought he was kidding, but there was no smile on his face or laughter in his voice, not that this would have been a funny joke, but was hoping that he was not for real. Questions flooded my mind as tears filled my eyes and that was my status for the next week. I avoided going out and when I had to I put on "big girl panties", my hat and my to-big-for-my-face sunglasses and dodged people at the commissary (sorry if you were a victim of my dodging) and post office, holding my breath and hoping to not have an "ugly cry" breakdown in the middle of the store.

My eyes have finally regained their shape and I can go out without sunglasses on, but the sting of sadness that comes with Tdub having to be gone for a whole year has not gone away. Not sure that it will. And that's ok. It's part of it.

It came as such a shock, not even on the "radar." But then again who dreams and thinks of the day their husband will go away for a year (if you've had a rough week with your hubby, don't answer that! ha!). I guess as a military wife it's always in the back of your mind as a possibility, but not something you actually think will happen or at least hope it won't. Well, when it happens, you wonder, how could I have prepared for this? How do I prepare for this? And I have not figured out the answer to that questions yet, so if you have it, let me know. ;) I have had to remind myself (more that once) that I too have agreed and signed up for this. I may not be flying planes or running around with camo on, but I agreed to marry my man and this was what he did and felt called to be a part of. Therefore, I am not "just a wife" being "left behind" once again, I agreed and I am called to this too. It is really easy to start feeling bitter and mad and like someone has come in and robbed you from a year with your husband. and you are left helpless, with no defense or way to make it different. I know I am not the only one going through a long deployment right now, that has gone through one or will have to go through one (and any deployment, no matter the length, is hard), so I hope this does not sound "poor me" or like others do not have it worse. I fully recognize that I am not the only one dealing with something that's hard, but I do think in sharing with one another and hearing others stories we can find comfort when our own storms hit.

I am finding I am more sad about the things that haven't even happened yet. The moments we will miss out on together, the dinners we won't be cooking together, the trips we had planned that we won't be going on, the restaurant we haven't tried, the marathon we were going to run and the mountain we were going to climb. The big and the little moments that won't be together. Tdub is my favorite person and I love being together and to not have that for a whole year almost seems unbearable. And too be honest, I know it is unbearable. On my own.

I still have the ugly cries and have to consciously put on my "big girl panties" almost everyday, but we have a deep sense of peace, that we know only can come from the Lord. Just when it seems like it's too much, He takes over in a way that I cannot describe, but it is so obvious it is not just us being brave or mustering up confidence we can get through this, but it is Jesus taking the load off of us and giving us a deep sense of peace that He knows and is in control and is deeply interested in our details, in our hurt, in our happiness and in our holiness. He reminds me that this does not come as a shock to Him and this deployment has always been on His "radar". And I don't just believe this because I have always been taught this and it sounds good, I believe this because it is the only thing I can cling to for this next year. My hubby is leaving whether I think it is fair or like it or am even ok with it. So I can either except that this is the Lord's plan, that He will help us, protect us and keep our hearts safe and close to one another through the distance and that great things will come from this next year or not. and the "not" option to me seems a little hopeless and lonely.

The million dollar question for the last 2 months: "How are you doing?" Ugh. There is no good way to answer it, especially if you want to stay PC. :) We do not know what to expect. There is no recipe or formula for how we will feel or handle what is to come. We may do great or it may be awful (if it's the later, sorry for those that live close to me.) I don't know what tomorrow holds, and for sure don't know about the next year. I just know today. So I am working on living for today and not being sad about the things that may or may not happen. I sometimes feel guilty for being sad, because it is just a year apart from my husband and there are 25,000 people dying from hunger everyday. Gosh, perspective. There are so many other things going on in the world around us that are heartbreaking and more life altering. I do not claim to have it all together or on the flip side I don't want to be dramatic or have a martyr complex, but I do want to be honest and transparent through this process so that 1. if/when others have to go through this our journey can hopefully be a sense of encouragement and help 2. I want Jesus to be glorified through this. His power can best be seen in my weaknesses. and I'm not sure, but I think there will be plenty of opportunity for Him to show His strength and power this coming year. :) "My grace is all you need. My power works best in weakness."

For each one of us, everyday comes with storms, trials, worries and fears, surprises and things that were not on our "radar." They will look different, some are big and some are small, some will last 1 day, some 365 days and maybe some a lifetime. None of us are exempt. But may I encourage you as I have been encouraged that YOU are on God's radar. May we walk in today, because that's all we know and have been given and find some peace in knowing that HE has not forgotten about you. He knows your details, the good, the bad, the happy and sad. He is crazy about you and loves you deeply. He knows your heart and what you need. That He "causes everything to work together for the good of those who love Him and are called according to His purpose for them."

And some days we may need to put on our "big sunglasses" and our "big girl panties" and that's ok. :)